FOR THE HELL OF IT by Johnny Heller No. 1 12/16/10

I shall begin my very first blog the way most people begin anything – by complaining about something that is totally out of our control and that is never ever going to change. I shall muse in these blogs about many things ranging from the extremely interesting and humorous to the completely sophomoric and pedantic.

So, on to today’s blog where I will sound all mean, grinchy-like and evil but I want you to know that in real life I am not grinchy at all.

CHRISTMAS IRKS:

People much smarter – and likely much taller – than me have said that Christmas time is a time of joy and giving. And yet, people not much smarter and of various sizes have used this hallowed time to hurt themselves and their loved ones or have just generally added to the angst of society and, more importantly, the angst of me — with their crabbiness, greed and refusal to join the jocular jolliness of the season.

One of the worst things that modern Christmas brings us is Old Navy commercials on TV. I can live with the ridiculous ads for the very rich suggesting we buy each other luxury cars for Christmas when most of us are already living in the cars we own and are unlikely to turn over the keys to a new Lexus to anyone, but I cannot tolerate Old Navy mannequins behaving like real people from Scarsdale. If we learned anything from the hideous film Mannequin (or Mannequin 2 or Mannequin 3) it’s that mannequins should not be chatting with us. They should be busy mannequining and leave the vapid conversation to professionals…or the people who buy each other Lexus’s (Lexi?)

Then we have the delightful shopping experience where stores sell everything at 60% off and still make money. Makes one wonder how much they’ve been overcharging for the same stuff the rest of the year. You can really get some great deals on gifts but you have to cough all the savings back to the store if you want to buy some cardboard boxes to put the gifts in.

Then we have those who don’t appreciate the religious aspect of Christmas. I think everybody from every faith or lack thereof should be treated with joy and respect and shown that Christmas comes from the heart but when you get right down it, if you take “Christ” out of Christmas, you’ve got Flag Day with presents.

Christmas is also the time of year when you can see new faces at the church you’ve been attending regularly. Many people stay away from church for 51 weeks in a row just to show up for the Christmas service where they spend their time complaining that the service is too long. They join in on all the hymns and wonder, with the rest of us, how such a joyous time got such terrible music. Is it the lyrics, the music? Or do we think God really digs dirges?

And then there are the Christmas cards – most saying “Happy Holidays” so as not to offend anyone. Some of the cards are actually nice and occasionally interesting: “Hey hon! Remember we were wondering about Ethel and Bob? Well they aren’t dead after all – here’s a card from them! – oh wait! No, Bob is dead. Ethel sends her love though.”

Many cards contain little histories of what the card writer’s family has done over the year. They are generally filled with little white lies and outright monstrous absurd fabrications, but they do fill us on the lives and times of people we haven’t talked to in over a year and aren’t likely to again. I generally dismiss these informative cards unless the writer is really trying to pull me in with a headline like: “Worthless Bum Invades Our Home – Turns out to be Son Home from College.”

I think the writers should also be more honest – something simple but true like:

“Well the year has been one of mixed blessings for the Smith family. We welcomed little Martha this year but we lost old Uncle Earl, Cousin Stan, Aunt Ida and whoever that is we found hanging in the shed last week. Our youngest, Earl, is due home for the holidays and we are looking forward to seeing all the new tats he got while away in prison. (To be honest we didn’t think he’d be away as long as he has. We know what he did but is it really “armed robbery” when your gun doesn’t even have a firing pin?)
On the plus side Ruth Ann and Suzie have been doing real well with the meth lab they started up in the back room at the Sisters of Deductible Charities last summer. They are bringing home plenty of money and what the youngsters are calling “bling”.
We also had to say goodbye to Cousin Ervin who is beginning his new life as Cousin Sally.
As to little Martha, she’s a peach! As this is her first Christmas we’re gonna stick to the Smith tradition and not get her a damned thing. She’s not even 1 yet, how’s she gonna know if Santa was here or not?
Anyway, that’s all from the Smiths! Wishing you and your’n a swell Christmas.”

And on that note, I too wish you and your’n a very Merry Christmas. May your irks be few and your feckless oiks far away.

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller