FOR THE HELL OF IT by Johnny Heller No.2; 12/24/2010

As we head to the end of another year (a year that stood out only because no other year has ever been named 2010 in my lifetime) I think it important that we take a look back and see just what we managed to live through.

So without further ado here, in no particular order, is my take on some of the significant happenings of the past year.

The end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US Military has to be considered a top story regardless of your personal take on homosexuals, the military or on news stories. No longer can members of the military attack insurgent hideouts, avoid IEDs and fearsome shrapnel while wearing 100s of pounds of gear in cloying heat, turn casually to one of their comrades in arms and say: “You uh, gay?”

No sir. Now if a man or a woman wants to wear a gilly suit and snipe out the enemy or ‘man” a machine gun on a humvee or try to spread freedom to the oppressed they are free to do so and we can’t ask them who they’d like to sleep with if they manage to live through their tour.

Frankly I’ve always wondered what all the fuss was about. If I had to go to war and live in a foxhole for awhile I’d rather my foxhole partner (assuming we aren’t talking about real foxes and real fox holes) be stereotypically gay. I mean think of how nice our foxhole would be! And the music! If I survived the fire fights, I’d know every lyric to every Broadway show ever!

I’ve rarely met a gay person who wasn’t 10x more fun, upbeat and better read than your average every day straight person. If I’m gonna get shot at in a desert, let me at least be with an entertaining comrade in arms. The whole issue has always been the straights view that gay people aren’t just gay but that they want to have sex with every straight person they see. They aren’t an oversexed species or bizarre group of orgyists – they just aren’t straight. And the idea that they want to sleep with every straight man they see? Really? Have you seen straight people recently? It’s enough to turn you gay.

Okay. The Chilean miners. A classic feel good story…except for the part where they got trapped in the collapsed mine for over 2 months. That they were rescued and reunited with their families (and, in one case if I recall correctly, with their mistress) and feted by all made for a fine upbeat ending to what could’ve been a tragedy.

War Mongering. From Kim Jong Il to Ahmandinejad to Bin Laden, we have had no shortage of saber rattling ass hats trying to scare the hell out of all of us. If we’ve learned anything from James Bond films it is this: North Korean bad guys are really bad. It might seem best – as many neo-Nazis have said – (one assumes, from a “let’s get rid of ugly places in the world kind of view”) to find a way to sink the entire country of North Korea. Of course that would be tricky as many North Koreans are actually nice people and the bad ones are simply good swimmers and would likely end up on South Korean soil and then we’d have a real donnybrook. As to Tehran? The whole world seems to want the US to jump in with a policing action – forcing our military to fight 3 wars when no country has ever won 2. Hmmm. Can anyone say set-up? The best plan would be to wait until Jong Il invites Ahmandinejad to dinner and arrange for a Hell’s Kitchen losing chef to serve up some really old oysters during the appetizer course. “mmmm, more botulism Rockefeller Mr. President?”

As to Bin Laden, if only we had been in Afghanistan instead of Iraq, we’d have him by now. All I can say is that we have satellites all over the place that can pinpoint the date on a nickel lying on the corner of Broadway and 71st from outer space and we can’t find a guy traveling through Pakistan attached to a kidney dialysis machine? Really? I don’t think we’re trying.

Money. No one has any. A global recession set off by ridiculous and predatory lenders – who have since been bailed out and continue to destroy our economy with loan shark rates on credit and bailout fund abuse – caused the ruin of countless economies. Mine included. Word is that the recession is over. Many jobless, hungry, pension-less soup kitchen denizens are delighted to hear it.

Sports. The San Francisco Giants won the world series, shell shocked New Orleans got a superbowl champ and no one cares about hockey or basketball. The Yankees failed to sign Cliff Lee but the Phillies got him and now we have two fine reasons to continue to hate both clubs.

It occurs to me that this blog is getting a mite long so I shall add a few personal notes of interest that happened over the year and close out today’s bit of pithy wisdom.

I made great strides in both my acting and teaching careers and discovered that the Chirping Chicken franchise on Amsterdam and 77th serves the best damn chicken ever. I learned that many friends were actually enemies dressed as friends – damn those J Crew sweaters – I can never tell.

The most important thing that happened this year and I think I speak for all of us when I say this, is that we, as a nation, as a people, as a society, must stop talking about the life and times of Lindsey Lohan and we have to agree to end this maddening and damaging fixation with anyone currently on or planning to be on the Jersey Shore.

See you next week and Merry Christmas.

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller