FOR THE HELL OF IT   Vol. 2        No. 10

On Religion, Same Sex Marriages and the State:

We are a nation that uses currency with the motto “in God we trust” clearly printed for all to see.  Yet we are a nation that mandates a clear separation of church and state.  One should not imperil or impinge on the other.

Yet they do. All the time.  Every politician or would-be politician must be clear in his or her declared faith.  If one is an Episcopalian, one had best toe the Episcopalian line — whatever that is.  If one is Catholic, one best toe the Catholic line…etc.  If one is a Mormon….well no one knows what a Mormon is so that’s tricky.  We’re all pretty sure that they have to marry about 15 women and live in Utah – neither of which is all that appealing.

In spite of our alleged church and state separation, people in power in the state will always make judgments based on their church and vise-versa.  For example, let’s say that a couple in love wants to get married.  They want to share their lives and their hopes and their dreams and their futures. (Even though statistically they have no chance at all of having their marriage last and will likely end up divorced and miserable – that being somehow preferable to married and miserable.) As long as the couple in question is a man and a woman, the state blesses the union and so does the church.  If the same couple happens to be of the exact same sex and gender, things aren’t quite so blessed.  The Church flies into an uproar and the State is offended down to its hypocritical boots.

Some churches condemn such unions as unholy. They say that the Church knows God’s will and God doesn’t like homosexuals…even though God made them homosexuals in the first place and if, as the Church says, God is love then he must also love the homosexuals…He even loves the various reverends and priests who condemn the perversity of man while behaving perversely behind their flocks’ backs….or with the backs of some of their flock.

God is many things but I don’t think he’s a hypocrite.  He either loves all of us or none of us.  I believe in the former.

However, even if the Church blesses the union, the State may not.  This is because political leaders are idiots for the most part.  By and large most of them appear to me to be bi and large and they support a thing called the “status quo”.  The States support the status quo because without it, we citizens would start to wonder why we’re being taxed for everything we do and yet the taxing body has no money (having squandered it on lavish shindigs and on fighting things like gay marriage which has nothing to do with the state at all.)  Many state politicos condemn same sex marriage because they want to appear Christian and someone sold them on the idea that Christianity equals condemning unions based on love which is, actually, the most unchristian thing I’ve ever heard of.

The very idea that any religion based on a philosophy of love could not find room in its ranks for loving monogamous same sex couples flies in the face of reason and logic – things most politicians have no grasp of and no Church is willing to discuss.

Many of the religions joining the states in fighting same sex marriages are tax free organizations that have traded in their bibles and missionary missions in favor of becoming political action groups that need to be taxed and regulated but never will be because that would be morally right but politically wrong and morals have no place in politics.  Only seeming to have morals is important.

Having come to the conclusion that the Church and State are now horribly enmeshed and frequently at odds with the rights of the people and the notion of God, I have decided not to fight it any more.  I have decided to give in.  I shall form my own tax free, money collecting, socially aware and politically strong church based on tenets that I shall reveal as it becomes necessary and claim that whatever I’m saying comes direct to me from God who speaks to me in coded messages I get from Family Guy episodes and old Andy Griffith reruns.

It shall be called the Church of the Heightened Sense of Awareness and Lounge.

Full disclosure: I am an actor and I have noted that certain actors who belong to a church that posits a trip to eternity aboard a spaceship and invented by a guy who made a fine living writing science fiction have done pretty well for themselves.  These actors are very vocal about their church membership and I think I shall be vocal about my membership in this new church in order to get movie roles.

Here are some of the Doctrinal truths we at the Church of  the Heightened Sense of Awareness and Lounge believe completely and irrevocably, unless I decide to make changes based on political expediency, a chance to make a quick buck or a chance for a really nice car or even a tasty sandwich.

1.  We recognize and condone all unions (unless the couple in question is underage, really gross or can’t pay the Church bill).

2.  Women are welcome to be ministers of the faith (as long as they meet the requirements of the church for the ministers.  These requirements have yet to be fully fleshed out but I betcha I find a way to make a buck or two…I mean, it’s a church after all.)

3.  We will form political action committees to help secure legislation beneficial to our church and its members.  These committees will wine and dine politicos and endorse those who are in favor of:

* Legalizing same sex marriage since it makes no sense not to

* Educating the left on realities of economics

* Educating the right on the realities of environmentalism

* Educating everybody on the mind-numbing, blame-escaping, responsibility-shirking defeatism of psychoanalysis.

* Ending the fashion craze of pants worn below the buttocks.

* Shooting on sight people who text and drive or send pictures of their junk to their twitter contacts who have junk of their own.

* Stopping the killing of innocents due to ruthless genocidal politics even if there’s no oil involved.

* Stopping our reliance on oil in general

* Harsh treatment for all those found guilty of entering subway cars before people have a chance to exit; for all those guilty of playing their iPods ridiculously loud and very harsh treatment for anyone caught bringing drums or bongos to a public place with the intention of beating on them and expecting to get paid for it (musicians at concerts excepted).

* Everybody has to bring something to church pot luck night – even pot.

* No “reality” TV.

* We are dead set against TV stations putting annoying pop up ads across the bottom of our screen when we’re watching something.  And while, we’re at it, no more zipping through the credits as if the people responsible for the show aren’t important.

* No more news about Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan or Donald Trump.

* No eating during the church service and you can’t come late to service just to get at the after service cookies and cakes.  You come 15 minutes late and it’s NO COOKIES for YOU!   Harsh but fair.

* The Church service shall not be boring or NO COOKIES for the Minister. Harsh but really fair.

* All Church services shall include music with a nice beat and easy to sing and dance to and shall not be hideously boring.  God digs good music and he likes upbeat stuff – anything from Sister Act 1 is fine.  No Kanye West.

*No Church officer shall ever abuse his office and the faith entrusted in him by the congregation unless I get a piece of the action.

More on the Church of the Heightened Sense of Awareness and Lounge later.

Feel free to send donations right now.

Until next time, I remain yours,

Johnny Heller 1^st Bishop of the Church of the Heightened Sense of Awareness and Lounge.