FOR THE HELL OF IT    VOL. 2  NO. 12

NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE:

NASHVILLE, TENN….Traffic on a Tennessee interstate was snarled recently during morning rush hour due to a spill of canisters releasing a foul smelling vapor.

Emergency personnel on the scene were able to determine that the canisters were not filled with hazardous material but frozen bull semen bound for a Texas breeder.

Hmmm. A number of questions come immediately to mind:

1.  How did they determine it was bull semen?

“Say, Bill, whydoncha go over there and see what that stuff is comin out of them canisters,” said Sgt. Wendell Smiff.

“Awright Sarge,” responded Officer William Smiff (no relation).

Smiff moves hesitantly toward the smoldering canisters on the Interstate on-ramp while other officers and emergency personnel hold back traffic.

Smiff sniffs the vapor emanating from the canisters and from the gel-like runoff.

“What’s it smell like Bill?” asks the Sgt.

“Well, sir, I believe it smells like bull semen.”

“Bull semen?”

“Yessir.”

“It ain’t cow semen or pig semen?”

Bill Smiff sniffs again.  “No sir.  I’m pretty sure it smells like bull semen.”

Sgt. Smiff wanders over and sniffs. “Hmmm. Believe you’re right Bill.  Touch it willya?”

“Sir?”

“Just touch it – gotta be sure.”

Bill bends and touches it.

“Well?”

“Feels like bull semen,” says, Bill.

“Well you’re right about that,” says Sgt. Smiff, touching the gel. “Best be sure though. Gotta taste it.”

“Sir?”

“Gotta be sure Bill.”

“Hmmm,” says Bill Smiff, tasting the gel.  Sgt. Smiff raises his eyebrows in query.  “Well….”

“Let’see” says Sgt. Smiff.

Both men taste test the gel.

“Yep.”

“Yep,” says Sgt. Smiff.  “Bull semen for sure. Glad we didn’t step in it.”

2.  How do you explain being late to work?

Bob, an office worker running late calls from his cell while stuck in an unexpected traffic jam:

Bob:  Hello, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson:  Bob? That you?

Bob: Yes sir.  I’m sorry but I’m going to be late.

Mr. Johnson: Bull semen on the on-ramp?

Bob: Sir? How could you –

Mr. Johnson: Yep. That bull semen will really snarl things up.  Don’t you worry Bob. Just get through all that bull semen and get here when you can.

SAN FRANCISCO BAY…

The San Francisco Bay area – particularly the Castro district – allows public nudity.  San Francisco Supervisor Scott Wiener wants to curb that allowance at least in public places including restaurants and he has proposed an ordinance to do just that.

According to an item in Reuters, Wiener said:

“I’m not a health expert, but I believe sitting nude in a public place is not sanitary,” he said. “Would you want to sit on a seat where someone had been sitting naked? I think most people would say, ‘No.'”

Wiener, who represents the Castro neighborhood, said he hears from merchants who fear the public displays may drive away customers, hurting the business’ bottom lines.

That’s particularly true in restaurants. He acknowledged that he has not seen any research establishing a health risk. “But when you have your orifices exposed in an eating establishment, a lot of people don’t like it,” he said.

While area nudists were not quoted in the story, one can only assume that they would prefer their orifices be left open.

“It’s where we keep our wallets,” said one fat naked guy.

“Who’s complaining about our wieners?” said another fat naked guy trying in vain to see his wiener.  “Wiener is?  Really?  Hmmm.  Hey! I think there’s a joke here!”  He ponders for a bit.  “Nope. Guess not. Can’t think of one.”

“I think covering my top would be okay in a restaurant,” said a naked girl. “Right now I am naked to make a statement but when my nipples fall into my coffee and I scream out – ‘Holy crap! My t*ts are on fire!’ – I wonder if my message is getting lost.”

OSLO, NORWAY….

Kristoffer Clausen who blogged and wrote a popular book about his year spent “in the wild” living off what nature provided has admitted that he lied.  The hoax made a celebrity of Clausen, especially with the release of his book about his year long life in the forests called:  A Wildman: 365 Days as Hunter, Fisherman and Gatherer.

Clausen admitted to being an idiot and to have actually spent the entire year living in Swedish hotel.  He never lived a single day in the Sognefjordan forest, let alone 365 of them.

“The forest near Sognefjordan?” scoffed Clausen. “I didn’t go there! I can’t even say it.  Sognefjordan? What a ridiculous name for a forest.”

Clausen insisted he did not have it easy at the hotel and perhaps he’ll write a new book:

A Moron: 365 Days as Malingerer, Layabout and Stooge.

“It was tough though,” said Clausen. “Room service kept closing early or they’d bring the wrong order to me.  And you know how they always brag about their ‘fitness rooms’?  C’mon! This place had one exercise bike from 1988 and a 30 lb. barbell with no wing nut to hold the weight on the bar. It kept falling off.  And there were at least 3 nights where they didn’t put a chocolate on my pillow during the turn down service.  They said they were out of chocolate.  Are you serious? In Sweden?  I should’ve gone to the damn woods.  I probably would have too, except it can get really cold there and it’s scary at night.”

BALTIMORE, MD.….

The Star Spangled Banner, the nation’s anthem, turned 197 years old this week.  Francis Scott Key’s poem “Defense of Fort McHenry” was written in 1814 and, in 1931, it was set to the tune of an old English melody and became the National Anthem.

Said one music professor – summing up the feelings of an entire nation: “It’s still nearly impossible to sing well and totally sucks on almost every musical level.  The Partridge Family had better songs than this one.”

HOLLYWOOD….

SQUARE PANTS SPONGE BOB takes a beating.  Hollywood Blvd. is filled with starry-eyed-dreamers, scientologists on lunch breaks and hawkers dressed as cartoon and movie characters who regularly annoy passersby.  Police have often been called to the tourist area to deal with the pushy costumed characters and they were called again when a man dressed as Square Pants Sponge Bob wouldn’t leave two women alone.

Instead of tipping him, the ladies punched out the lovable character and the video of the beat down went viral.  Many of the other costumed layabouts were shocked.

“It’s gettin’ so you can’t even harass tourists on the streets no more,” complained a methhead dressed as Snoopy.

“Some lady let her dog bite my tail feathers off,” squawked a needle-marked hooker dressed as Tweety Bird.  “Can you believe it?  An me lookin cute as hell and I got this shih tzu hanging off my ass!”

Police had already arrested 2 Batmen, 1 Catwoman, an IronMan and 3 Dora the Explorers earlier in the day before being called on to haul away Sponge Bob.

MIAMI/BRAZIL….

30-year-old Simon Turola Borges will be sent back to his native Brazil without his pants passengers.  Borges was detained by sharp-eyed TSA agents at Miami International Airport who didn’t believe Borges’ claims that he had nothing to declare.  In fact, Borgess had 7 baby pythons and 3 baby tortoises in his pants.

“Well he seemed a little jumpy to me,” said Mel Littlefield, a 5 year veteran of the TSA.  “My partner, Lu Ellen McBride, she’s a looker – a real fine lookin woman of some 65 years and I can understand a man getting a little jumpy around her….but this fella had like 8 penises gyratin’ in his nethers like they was dancin’ a damn Macarena.”

Borges denied any criminal intention.

“I just like – how you say? – my junk to be near snakes n turtles n stuff,” smiled Borges.

When he was asked if he knew what damage a python could do to his pants area, Borges seemed surprised.

“They squeeze the what out of my what now? Are you kidding me?  I had those snakes in my pants man!”

Interestingly 3 of the snakes are officially called “Ball Pythons”.

Really.

And that’s For the Hell of It.  See you next time!