FOR THE HELL OF IT. Vol. 2, Number 4. 02/14/11
By Johnny Heller

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is upon us! Quick, go martyr a Christian! Or you could just go get a nice box of suddenly super expensive chocolates.

Let us consider today the interesting cultural phenomenon known as Valentine’s Day. Each year we are asked to surrender ourselves to bizarre rituals of romance that have nothing whatever to do with St. Valentine and everything to do with Hallmark Cards and other clever business enterprises that have covertly banded together in an ingenious plot to put two people together while parting one person from his true love – money.

Historically St. Valentinus was a martyred Roman Christian. He was likely executed by having various body parts hacked or pulled off sooner then they would’ve fallen off had they been left to their own devices. In his time, Christians were martyred by being pulled to pieces by horses, burning, being eaten by lions, flayed alive or roped to an anchor and thrown into a lake. Hmmmm. Boy they all say “I love you!” to me.

In truth, or what passes for truth regarding early Saints of the Church – meaning we really haven’t a clue – Valentinus (one of 3 Saints with that name) performed marriages against the edicts of Emperor Claudius II. Claudius thought that married soldiers weren’t as good as unmarried soldiers since the married ones were too attached to love and family (demonstrating that he had no understanding of married couples, for whom fighting is an art form). He decreed that no soldiers could wed. Valentinus performed marriages anyway an early example of the military system of don’t ask, don’t tell.

Clearly someone told. Valentinus was imprisoned and it was said he fell in love with his jailer’s blind daughter and sent her love notes ending with “from your Valentine.” He was executed on Feb. 14th – legend has it. (The February date dovetails nicely with an ancient pagan ritual of love and sex and debauchery in honor of various fun Pagan Gods held traditionally around that time. It is common for Christian dates to co-opt Pagan dates already used for various celebrations…for the early Church, a party was a party dude – why mess with it?) In later days Chaucer wrote about the “fact” that birds selected their mate on Feb. 14 – Valentine’s Day.

So now we zip through history to the present day where men, having no idea about the rich and likely false history of the date, are forced to make monstrous sacrifices to convince the woman they love that they really do love them. (Apparently every act done for their love prior to this date suddenly loses meaning and is forgotten – even though we all know that women – in reality – forget nothing we do ever.)

We men are required by romantic law to buy flowers which have interestingly seen a sudden price increase during the week; buy a box of chocolates that we would be happy to buy on a weekly basis if we weren’t on diets proscribed by our loves who want us to buy chocolate “just this once”; and then, of course, we need cards to express our love since we lack the wit (or apparently the nice paper) to say what we feel ourselves.
And, finally, the dinner. We must go out to a restaurant that doesn’t even serve it’s regular menu. The food the place is known for and for which they have earned critical acclaim is not on the menu. They all have special Valentine’s Day meals. What is special about these Valentine Meals? Well, they don’t have too much food in them, lack a decent meat entrée and cost more than the same meal would’ve cost had we ordered it a day before or a day after.

And you can’t just show up. You have to make a reservation. And you have to make a reservation on the day the restaurant says you have to make a reservation. One year, I wanted to go to a particular restaurant – a celebrated fish house in Manhattan. I went to the restaurant and said I’d like a table for Valentine’s Day. I was told I couldn’t have a table that day since they weren’t taking reservations yet. I was told that I had to come back or call up starting at 9:30 in the morning in 2 weeks.
I said “I’m here now and I will be here on Feb. 14th.”
They said: “Yes but we’re not taking reservations for Valentine’s Day yet.”
“Can you take a reservation for Feb. 15th yet?”
“Well certainly.”
“Okay,” I said. “So you’ll be open during that month. I’d like a reservation for the 15th then.”
“Yes sir,” she said.
“Oh wait!” I said, allegedly eyeing my calendar. “I’m busy then. Best make it the 14th”
“Sir –“ she smiled and nodded at me. “Just call us at 9:30 in the morning in two weeks from today.”
“To get a table that I’m ready to commit to now – “
“Yes.”
“Forget it. I’ll go somewhere else.”

And guess what? Every other restaurant had the same nonsense. Every candy store, every card and flower shop and every restaurant in the nation have banded together with our wives, girlfriends and partners to make us suffer on Valentine’s Day. And you can’t screw it up. You just can’t. You cannot end up at a McDonalds because you muffed the dinner reservations and hope she’ll forgive you when you let her supersize it.

Mistakes like that will never ever be forgotten. You can be walking with her when confronted by gun-toting thugs and defeat them both with your manly courage and even take a bullet for her in the process and when you look up at her with a last weak smile on your face and gaze at her in adoration, she will look down and say: “I can’t believe you didn’t make dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day.”

If you muff this meal, if you screw up this day, you will be reminded of it in subtle ways like when you and your love of 30 years are moving to Boca and your sweetie will greet the new neighbors with: “We’re the Mendohlsens! Just moving into number 3. Would you believe it? In 1975 this one (she points to you) screwed up Valentine’s Day!”
On your tombstone she will have it inscribed: “Here Lies Sidney. He forgot Valentine’s Day so being here isn’t so bad – considering…

Have a nice holiday. And don’t forget! Arbor Day is coming up!

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller