FOR THE HELL OF IT     VOL 2,  NUMBER 5       03/02/11

Blood, Sweat and Sweat

It’s important to remember that we are only in the third month of the new year.  That means that all the New Year’s resolutions you made and likely already blew off can still be revisited and reaffirmed with action and gusto.  And verve.  We mustn’t forget verve.

The most oft repeated, oft subscribed resolution of all New Year’s resolutions –  according to a scientific poll that I assume exists somewhere –  is the resolution to hit the gym and get in shape.

Let’s face it.  Most of us are at the age where the two nicest things anyone can say to us are: “Don’t worry. This meal is on me.”  And: “Hey, did you lose weight?”  We don’t hear the first one often enough and while the second one might be heard more often, we suspect that the speaker is just lying to make us say the first one or we’ve just had a haircut and the speaker can’t figure out what’s different about us.

The reason we are all so concerned about our weight is that we are, for lack of a better word – fat.  We know we’re fat because we see our genitals only when we stand naked on a mirror.  We know we’re fat because people ask us when we’re due and we’re not. We know we’re fat because we eat fast fried food and drink sodas and try to blame our bulk on the places that offer us the bad food we eat instead of on our bad choices.

So.  To the gym.

A gym membership is a great thing to invest in.  A gym membership costs almost the same as a kilo of plutonium or a kilo of anything that comes in kilos.  Most gyms charge a low introductory price to entice fatties to join and then, after the introductory period -which lasts roughly five minutes – they charge your credit card every couple of hours until you quit the club which, according to the 75 page contract you sign when you come in and meet Wendy, the smiling club salesgirl who you will never see again, you aren’t allowed to do unless you move to a galaxy 40 million light years away.

Gyms like to call themselves “clubs” and they are clubs in the sense that membership is limited only to those who want to come in.  Some clubs have pools, some have steam rooms and all have shower facilities.  They are much the same in that club members frequently pee in all three.  But that’s okay because you are only there to lose that extra 60 pounds you managed to gain while being alive in your 20’s and 30’s.  Always remember your goal.  Keep your eye on the prize.  You need to see your genitals.

When touring your gym with Wendy, be sure to make sure that they have a room where they teach classes.  Classes are free unless they’re really popular and effective –for one’s that actually are effective, you must pay.  If you want to take a class, you go the gym early – like 2 days before the class begins and sign up for the spot on the floor that you want to stand on while the class goes on.  Most classes are taught by really good looking physically fit women with revoltingly cheery personalities.  They do not lose their breath or their composure and their sweat smells like roses.  You want to pick a spot close enough to the teacher to see the moves she makes so you can follow her and mimic her actions.  Of course if you could mimic her actions, you wouldn’t be in the class, you’d be teaching it.  Most of the class will be trying to avoid hitting people near you and not falling off any equipment that may be involved.  In class, you have an excellent chance of seeing everybody else’s genitals and while that’s swell, remember that they can see yours.  Most people only take classes once.

While touring with Wendy, ask her about the club’s attitude about towels.  Almost every club hands out towels to members who, in a perfect world, would towel off their equipment after they use it so the next member doesn’t have to sit in a lovely pool of sweat that does not belong to them.  If Wendy says something about how no one “judges” at her club, you should go ahead and do some judging of your own.  It might be better to remain fat and just know that your genitals are there than to lie on a sweated up bench press.

The most effective machine for you to work on to lose your fat is the treadmill.  The treadmill is a machine that simulates walking or jogging.  You can set the timer of the machine and some even show you outdoorsy scenes on a monitor while you run so it seems like you’re actually outdoors.

Another good idea to lose fat and keep your resolutions is to avoid gyms and just go for a nice run outside.  And while you’re at it, stop eating so much crap.  A novel idea I know – eat less, exercise more and maybe – just maybe, you and your genitals will be reunited again and when people say: “hey – did you lose weight?” you can just smile and show them your genitals.  Or you could just say: “Yeah! I did ! Thanks!” and leave your junk to yourself.

Up to you.

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller