FOR THE HELL OF IT                                 VOL. 2  NO. 6

A LOOK AT THE NEWS

On March 15^th, it was reported that a “white powdery substance” was found at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.  Law enforcement officers tested the substance and it determined it to be cocaine.

Cocaine? In Florida?  Really?

Golly who would’ve thought there’d be cocaine so near Miami?  Or Disney World? Maybe there are plans to build a new exhibit called Cartels of the Caribbean.

Officers weren’t sure at first what the substance was.

“Well it sure looked like cocaine but it could have been talc or perhaps powdered sugar,” said Sgt. Wendell “Dude” Schmidlap, speaking very quickly.  “So we tested it.  It tasted like coke and it smelled like coke but not that crap they cut with baby laxative, you know?  Anyhoo, we poured some out on a NASA souvenir brochure that they had lying around and Spanky (Patrolman Edward “Spanky” O’Toole) pulled out his PBA card and cut up some really big honkers.  I rolled a 20 and that stuff was awesome!  So righteous, you know?  So we’re still testing it now.  It’s definitely for sure premium class A blow.  Kinky Friedman used to call it Peruvian marching powder.  Man, I love Kinky Friedman.  What happened to him.? …..hahahaHAH!  Peru?  They make blow in Peru?  Anyway, we’ve tested almost all of it so I hope whoever left it lying around does it again.  First, then we might be able to catch him but mostly we need to do some more testing .  You know what would be cool?  If we could find some of those space suits and wear them for a awhile? I wonder if they still bring Tang with them to the moon.  Man, I haven’t seen Tang in, like, forever.  Did you see that movie – Get Him to the Greek?  That was pretty funny.  Hey! Spanky?  You see that flick?”

“HORK SCHNNUUCCCCCKKK!” added Officer O’Toole as he continued the scientific testing.  “Harummm?”

Officials noted that there is a strictly enforced no drug policy at the Center.  But someone apparently didn’t get the message.  An official at the Center said testing all employees for drugs was probably a good idea.

“Testing?” asked Sgt. Schmidlap.  “Whaddya? Pee in a cup? Crap in a hat?  They got lotsa hats and cups in the gift shop. I never liked tests myself.  Although we are gonna keep testing this stuff.  We are gonna test the hell out of this stuff.  Maybe, when we’re done testing here we can go undercover and bust a drug buy or something and then confiscate what we find and test that too.  Yeah…..”

GILBERT GOTTFRIED LOSES AFLAC GIG FOR BAD JOKES

Famed loud comic Gilbert Gottfried, known to most Americans by his annoying voice and to most comics as Gilbert Gottfried, lost his very lucrative position as the voice of the AFLAC duck.  Gottfried posted some incredibly insensitive jokes on Twitter making fun of the horrible tragedy in Japan.  Since the tragedy is still ongoing. Gottfried’s quips were met by a chorus of “dude – too soon.”

While AFLAC’s knee jerk reaction to the posts was to fire Gottfried- a man they hired knowing full well he was a loose cannon comic willing to joke about absolutely anything (what is known as “risk taking” and what people only respect when the risk taker in question is being discussed in memoriam – “oh that Andy Kaufman – what a courageous man”) they still plan on keeping the duck.

Because apparently, nothing says “I am well and fully insured” quite like a duck.

If all it takes for commercial spokespeople to get fired is to make some really tasteless crude jokes, let’s invite FLO, the Progessive Insurance lady and the Geico gecko to a Comedy Central Roast of some C-list reality “star” –like anyone from the Jersey Shore –  and have everybody lose their jobs and get off our television screens.  Let’s invite Charlie Sheen too.  We’ve had quite enough, thank you.  …warlock, my ass.

JUDGE IN A ROBE AND A WIG TACKLES PERVERT

A British judge tackled a fleeing sex offender who was trying to escape during his trial.  The 60 year old Judge, dressed in his powdered wig and long flowing robes darted after the 34 year old defendant and  “rugby-tackled him around the throat and waist and brought him crashing to the ground, landing on top of him,” according to reports.

Rugby, it should be noted is game played by men in the mud with a strangely shaped ball and lots of grappling.

The defendant was held down by the judge until security showed up, hopefully with a round of gin and tonics and some Cher CDs.

The defendant was heard to be protesting the judicial attack but later admitted, “I knew if I bolted he’d give chase and give me a bloody good going over.  I don’t know if I got what I deserve but I sure got what I wanted.”

More next week from the wonderful world of news for the hell of it!

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller