FOR THE HELL OF IT            Vol. 2 Number 7

By Johnny Heller

MORE NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD…..(actually this time it’s all here.)

AIRPORT HAPPENINGS

….In New Orleans, a TSA gate security agent frisked a 6-year-old girl – actually patted her down – and the video of the event has gone viral on youtube.com and other sites that are whatever the hell “viral” is.

The pat down leads to a number of troubling issues.  Is there a terrorist plot to use little girls as bomb carriers or as actual bombs?  Are “Hello Kitty” backpacks something to be suspicious of?  And, of course, who screens the TSA screeners?  Who gets to decide who pats down a little kid?  More importantly to me, who gets to decide who pats down Megan Fox?  Can I do it?  I saw Jonah Hex and I just don’t trust her.

The girl’s 2-year-old and 9-year-old siblings were not patted down leading to further suspicions that latent terrorist tendencies don’t begin in little girls until after age 5 and, if not nurtured, do not reassert themselves until sometime after age 10.

TSA officials only said that the search followed current screening procedures, procedures that apparently condone the public groping of little girls when there are literally hundreds of perfectly good adults available for groping just standing in line.

….In Denver, a 22-year-old woman who missed a connecting flight and decided to spend the night in the airport was raped in an airport concourse.  After a conversation at an airport bar with her soon-to-be assailant, the woman went to find a seat and was followed by the pond scum s##king a##-hat.  She refused to kiss him and he refused to heed her refusal.  He knocked her down and pulled off her clothes.  At least two airport janitors walked by and said nothing at all.  The attack was finally halted by two other airline workers who intervened and called the cops.

Denver International Airport officials say the airport is a safe place with many layers of security.  Of course, if you are a woman on her own being raped in the airport —  you might consider the official proclamation of safety and security to be a bit fanciful.

The woman’s assailant, a former Marine, is being held in a Colorado jail pending a hearing where it is hoped he will remain in jail while his balls are sent – economy class – to Afghanistan.

POLITICS

…Donald Trump is considering a run for the Presidency of the United States of America.  If elected, he could join an illustrious group of horrible presidents featuring James Buchanon,  Millard Fillmore and Andrew Johnson.

Trump is likely to fill his cabinet, if elected, with reality TV “stars” from a yet to be seen program tentatively titled: “Who Wants to Help Me Suck Away Whatever Dignity We Have Left in American Government?”    Another possible name under consideration is “Which Way to Canada?”

Trump is currently basing his campaign on his assertion that President Obama is not an American citizen and therefore, can’t be the President.  The fact that he’s wrong on both points has in no way changed his position which suggests that Trump may be just what the Tea Party is looking for in a leader – a famous rich person so far removed from understanding the real world that he thinks having experience running casinos that lose money is all one needs to run a government that also loses money.  Just wait until he tries to lose a few trillion without slot machines.

If Trump should garner enough votes to run as the Republican nominee, he will likely have the backing of Apprentice stars Meat Loaf and Gary Busey and, one supposes, no one else.  There is no telling who Trump would select as his running mate but my guess is that he’ll assemble a panel of D list stars to help select the VP.  Candidates will go through a grueling 6-week ordeal where they will have to demonstrate wit, charm, savvy, leadership skills, communication skills, organization skills and adaptability and survival skills.  After the 6 weeks, the one with the biggest boobs will get the gig.

WTF?

A 15-month-old Michigan boy was served a margarita instead of an apple juice at a local Applebees….causing a run on apple juice orders.

Apparently the lad got tipsy and put his head down and fell asleep.  The child’s friends were surprised.  “Really?” 2-yearold Timmy asked. “He just fell asleep?  Usually he gets pretty angry with margaritas.  I mean, dude, tequila and that dude do not mix.  Lookit what he did to my legos set.”

2 ½ – year –old Jimmy, another pal, had this to say: “I order an apple juice and I get a margarita? Wow. What do I get if I say orange juice cuz I would love a mojito about now.”

Applebees employees were surprised that the mistake was made.  ‘I thought the little dude was a hobbit, man” said an unnamed employee.  “He had a real hobbity voice you know?”

According to the parents, the boy had a blood alcohol level of 0.10 which is above the legal drunk driving limit of 0.08.

“We were waiting to see if he’d try to operate his big wheel,” said local police. “But he was wise to us and stayed off the roads and sidewalks.”

The boy had hangover symptoms – nausea and headaches – for a few days and has promised to avoid tequila until he’s at least 5.

Applebees is fighting a lawsuit lodged against it by the boys parents but, really, why?  You gave a 2-year-old a margarita!  Nothing the company says can make that go away.  Just pay up and keep serving the hideous food that’s made you what you are today – a horrible place to dine – unless you’re a 2-year-old jonesing for a shot.

…..Long Beach, California police arrested two 19-year-old men, Kirk Lewis and Daniel Bard, and charged them as two of the three men they sought in the robbery of a 5-year-old girl.

The girl was robbed of her toys, her Hannah Montana backpack and her innocence.

The third assailant is still at large although police hope that one of the captured crooks will eventually lead them to the man.

“Ain’t no way I’m ratting out anybody!” grumbled Bard.  “I’ll never tell where he is!” shouted Lewis, “besides he probably already left that Motel 8 on I-39 across from the diner by now.  And I’ll never tell you about the scar on his forehead, the mole on his left cheek or the tattoo on his right shoulder that says: “I dig fleet week”. “

Police say they are closing in.

Until next time, that’s my take on the news – for the hell of it!

The views expressed in this column are meant to be humorous and are in no way to be taken as fact – except for the facts. Those are real.

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller