FOR THE HELL OF IT           VOL. 2      NO. 8

A Look Back at the News from May, Shall We?

ABBOTTABAD…US Seals killed Osama Bin Laden in what will be remembered in this town as the day US Seals killed Osama Bin Laden.  Residents recalled the evening’s events in detail for 2^nd rate reporters who are typically assigned by their editors to ferret out uninteresting back stories to interesting events already covered in detail by better reporters.

“It was like any other night,” recalled Ahmed Al Abbadabbadoo, the neighbor nearest the Bin Laden compound some 8 blocks away…assuming that Abbottabad had blocks.   “We had tea. We picked sand out of our undershorts and went to sleep.  The Seals were very quiet and respectful of our sleep.”

“Oh yes!” agreed his wife – or brother or dad – kind of hard to tell with the face veil but a mustache was clearly present. “America’s assassins are very quiet.  It’d be nice to be killed by them because they wouldn’t wake you when they were killing you.  You’d still be dead but also asleep.”

Local townspeople expressed surprise when they discovered Bin Laden was hiding in their town and insisted that they had no idea of his true identity.

“We all thought he was just ‘weird Lenny’ from the compound down the block,” said Akka Dakka Wakka, Mayor of the small town outside the capital of Pakistan (where authorities insisted that they had no idea that Bin Laden was nearby, making US intelligence operatives wonder just how many 6’6” left handed cane wielding kidney dialysis machine using terrorists are in Pakistan).  “Yep. Weird Lenny was pretty weird. We all thought he looked a lot like Bin Laden actually.”

After catapulting into international fame for no other reason than dumb luck – much like Snooky but more interesting  – the town hopes to return to its quiet halcyon pre-dead Bin Laden days.

“We don’t want to be remembered as the place where the most wanted evil terrorist murderer in the world was hiding out beneath our noses until he was shot to death by brave heroes meting out a much deserved final justice,” said the Mayor.  ‘We just want to go back to our simpler times selling sand bags to river folk.”

In spite of the efforts of the towns’ leaders to return to normalcy, there has been a huge increase in sales of Weird Lenny bobble head dolls and posters from what would be considered sidewalk salespeople in towns that have sidewalks.  “Actually, we had the Weird Lenny stuff all set from the first time we saw the guy – – I mean 6’6” and creepy? We saw the merchandising opportunities right away,” said Boom Shakka Lakka Boom Boom, a local merchant.  “Now that Weird Lenny is Bin Laden! Woo, we are gonna sell lots of bobble heads!”

NEW YORK…..From WNYC: “Police arrest 140 people every day in New York City for possessing small amounts of marijuana. It’s now by far the most common misdemeanor charge in the city”…

What does this statistic tell us?  First that a lot of those people I went up to the other day and said, “Excuse me, do you have any marijuana on you that I could purchase or take a puff of?” were very likely lying to me when they said “no.”  I bet lots of them had some.  I saw more than 140 people during the day, but to be fair, I didn’t ask everybody.

Secondly, that we really have to reconsider our attitudes about marijuana.  We are filling our courts and our jails with people guilty of nothing more than smoking or possessing grass.  They have to share space with murderers, rapists, thieves and members of congress.  How do we rehabilitate them with roommates like these?

I remember my first college roommate smoked grass and I didn’t.  Then I did too.  It’s definitely a gateway drug.  I even went on to experiment with worse drugs like bufferin and once, yes just once, nyquil.

Now I know there are those who will say, it’s against the law and if you possess it, you are breaking the law and they are right – they’re stuck in a mind-numbingly dipstick rut – but they have a point.  I suggest we revisit the law.  Are we really going to be the kind of bureaucratic yobos who suggest that because things are as they are, they can’t or shouldn’t be changed?

If there is such a thing as medical marijuana, isn’t it possible that it’s not all bad?  You rarely see medical Marlboros or medical scotch and sodas and those drugs are legal – yet far more dangerous.

I don’t condone doing things while smoking that you probably shouldn’t do – like operating a bazooka, driving a school bus or pushing a Dyson vacuum.  Same things you shouldn’t do when you drink too much.

I merely suggest the punishment should fit the crime.  Get caught smoking a bowl, get sent to a laser light show at the planetarium and get really freaked out.  Or have your munchies withheld until the buzz wears off.

I am not condoning the use of illegal drugs.  I am not a proponent of a dysfunctional society of stoners running the engines of commerce and state – while stoned.  Everything in it’s time and place I say.  I do think that we should reconsider some of our antiquated laws and address issues of real concern like a world without hunger, poverty or reality television.  Is it too much to ask?

Roll one up, kick back, take a toke and think it through.

WASHINGTON….President Obama released his birth certificate to the nation, proving, once and for all that his name really is Barak Obama.  It also shows that he is, in spite of countless assertions to the contrary, the duly elected President of the United States.

Interestingly, many Republicans who harped on the issue of Obama’s nationality, expressed concern that the President would dignify the “birthers” assertions with a release of the certificate.  “I can’t believe he took me seriously,” said one Republican senator.  “No one’s ever done that before.”

“He’s the President!” said one tea bagger.  “He shouldn’t disrespect the office by responding to my crazy allegations that he’s a foreigner from some foreign place where foreign people live, by proving me wrong with facts and truth and stuff.”

“He’s not from here!” shouted Don Trump from somewhere underneath his hair.  “He’s from Hawaii!”  An aide to Trump ducked under his weave and whispered in his ear.  “It is?” Trump exclaimed. “Since when?  Who are all those Hawaiians then?  I thought Hawaii Five –Oh was a BBC program. Hmm.”

NYC ….Mayor Michael Bloomberg has an interesting take on dealing with immigrants.  He suggests that they be sent to Detroit to live.  Detroit has lost many residents due to crime, high taxes, lack of jobs and the Lions dismal play.

“They should be sent there to live for 5 or 10 years. Start businesses, take jobs.”

Immigrants, however, were not excited.

“Detroit?  Really?” said Ishtar al Icky. “No way, dude! I was thinking Hollywood or Miami.  Detroit?  I spent all my money to escape from a place that is much better than Detroit.  I killed 5 people to get here.  In Detroit, I’ll have to kill 5 people every morning to protect my lawn gnomes.  I have always wanted a lawn gnome.”

ISTANBUL….Turkish police dressed up as doctors to see if local residents of Gaziantep ( a suburb of Istanbul) would fall for a scam in which officers dressed in white coats and stethoscopes went door-to-door to attempt to get residents to let them in and allow the faux doctors to examine them and get them to swallow blood pressure pills.

85% of the residents allowed the “doctors” to enter and took the offered pills.

Apparently a local gang had been doing the same thing to Gaziantep residents and stealing them blind and the police wanted to see how gullible the citizens were.  The tests demonstrated conclusively that it would have been far more fun to dress as door to door bra fitters, money inspectors or dresser drawer designers.  “We really missed the boat on this one,” said a police spokesperson. “Just think of how much fun we could’ve had.  Pill pushing doctors…what were we thinking?”

In some cases, police actually pressed intercom buzzers and said – “we’re burglars. Please open the door.”  The doors were almost always opened.  This merely goes to prove what many have long suspected: people in Gaziantep are idiots.

DwightCartoons © Johnny Heller