FOR THE HELL OF IT  VOL 3  NO. 1

By Johnny Heller

For the Hell of It has been getting lots of reader mail over the last year or two and I’ve decided to begin the new year by answering some reader’s questions in a section I call:

ASK MR. NARRATOR

(Please address all questions to ASK MR. NARRATOR by accessing the “comment” section at the end of the article.  As always, the editor and author reserve the right to edit all reader email or, as in this case, to make up all the emails entirely.)

Dear Mr. Narrator,

People always tell me that I have a nice voice.  I certainly know how to read so I figure I should start making some money doing your job.  Where do I join your little group of yakkers?

Yours,

Completely Clueless

Dear Completely Clueless,

When people tell you about your nice voice, how drunk are they? How drunk are you?  A nice voice is a prerequisite only in the phone sex business.  Have you considered phone sex? (note: It’s important to remember that phone sex is not actually having sex with a phone – that, I found, is really unfulfilling.)

More than a good voice, an audiobook narrator needs to understand storytelling. He needs to be a student of the human condition and a trained actor who can communicate emotion and linear narrative while constantly holding the listener’s attention and always remaining true to the author’s text.

Is that what people mean by your nice voice?  If people tell you that you have “nice” hands, do you assume you should be a concert pianist or a neurosurgeon? …I thought not.  So, again – go have sex with your phone and don’t insult an industry you don’t understand.  Study the craft and then see about your willingness to enter the business.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

I have a problem with audiobooks…well I have a problem that is at least audiobook related and I’m not sure I handled it right.  You see, my boyfriend keeps talking to me when I’m listening to audiobooks.  If he’s reading something or watching a football game and I try to talk to him, he gets furious and throws things at me.  So far I’ve been pelted by the remote, the cat, a half full can of Pork Slap Ale and his friend Pete (Pete’s not that big but he landed pretty hard on me).  When he interrupts me while I’m listening, I give him a dirty look and start to tell him how unfair he’s being and before you know it, he’s throwing stuff at me again.  (Frankly I don’t know why Pete hangs out with him).

So, anyway, the other day I was icing some Pork Slap Ale can bruises and listening to Jo Anna Perrin narrate In Zanesville, when he started yapping away about how I wasn’t folding his laundered underwear properly and how I should work harder to prepare fresh sushi for him after I get home from work and some other crap when I just lost it.  I stood up and slapped him across the face with my bag of ice. He seemed stunned but he still kept yapping! What choice did I have? I pulled out my Colt .380 semi-auto Hellcat pistol – you know the one with the checkered polymer grip? – and shot him point blank in the head.

Some will say I overreacted but since I shot him I’ve really been able to enjoy In Zanesville.  Did I do the right thing?

Sincerely,

Confused.

Dear Confused,

Yes. Yes you did.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

I like to listen to audiobooks but what I really like is to read the book while I listen and to read out loud at the same time the narrator does to see which one of us reads it the best. My friends say when I do that, I’m not really getting the benefit of listening or reading – what do you think?

In a Quandary

Dear In a Quandary,

You’re an idiot.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

Why do narrators have to work within a tight time framework while producers can and do take 60 days or more to pay the narrators for their work?  Isn’t that tough on narrators who are, after the day is done, actors – who traditionally don’t have major incomes and can’t really afford to wait 60 days to get paid?

Sincerely,

Every Narrator Ever In the Whole World

Dear Every Narrator,

Yep. It blows mightily. The thing to do if you are a narrator is to win the lottery so the money from your art isn’t necessary to live on.  (Winning the lottery is also a crucial element in my retirement plan – for more financial advice, look for my upcoming book entitled: WTF? Where Did My Money Go?)

Dear Mr. Narrator,

Dwayne “Freakboy” Lattimer here! Go ISU!  Yeah!  Lissen up  –

Last spring break I went home to my roommate’s house in Southern Indiana.  I met his mom and I gotta tell ya, she was hot – I mean smoking!  One day, my roommate – let’s call him Dave since his name is Dave – had to go into town to pick up some stuff for his Dad.  Dave asked if I wanted to go with him or if I’d rather hang back and help his mom hang some curtains.  His mom looked at me and, dude, I could swear she gave me a little wink.   (I’m not really sure because she has a kind of nervous tic that causes her left eye to swell and tear and wink uncontrollably but I think she was winking with her good eye – you know?)  So I told Dave that I would help his mom.

She brought me into the living room by the big window and asked me to help her set up the ladder.  We brought the ladder out from the hall closet and dude I swear she rubbed her whole back against my whole front while we got the ladder.  (I’m not really sure as she has this kind of huge goiter-like hump in the middle of her back so it’s hard to tell if she was rubbing against me or if the weight of the hump caused her to lose her balance while holding the ladder.)

Bye the way, aside from the eye-tic and the monster back hump, she is really hot. Seriously dude.

So anyway Dave’s mom climbs up the ladder while I help steady the thing and my hand “accidently “ brushed against her right leg and she let out a soft “ooooooh” sound.  I don’t know if she was turned on or not as she has these huge varicose veins in her legs and it could be that it really hurt her when I grabbed them.

Again, dude, aside from the eye tic, the monster back hump and the gross leg veins – she is soooo totally hot.

When I “accidently” touched her leg again, she said “yow!” and turned to look at me and I’m pretty sure she raised her eyebrow in a “come-hither” way.  (She really only has the one eyebrow. It goes across her forehead like a black caterpillar.   Personally, I think it’s hot.)

Anyway –

Dear Freakboy,

Shut up. Just shut the hell up. You’ve got us confused with Penthouse Forum or Disgusting A$$hats Quarterly. I hope your roommate Dave bitch slaps you in the ISU student union in front of everybody.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

Do you have to read a book before you narrate it?

Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,

No! Of course not!  Don’t you think it’s better when the story teller has no idea what the story is about?  Don’t you think it’s great when someone tells a joke and has no idea what the punch line is?  I sure do!

Dear Mr. Narrator,

I once heard an audio book and I didn’t like it so I don’t really listen anymore.  Is there any reason to try again?

Undecided

Dear Undecided,

There is absolutely no reason to listen to more than a little bit of one audiobook before deciding that the art form as a whole is worthless.  It’s like if you go to see a movie and Adam Sandler is in it and you say to yourself – “How the hell is this guy working? He’s worse than Ryan Reynolds and Jennifer Aniston.  If this is a movie than I see no reason to go to any again.”  That’s what really smart people do.  They see one film out of the hundreds of thousands ever made and if they are lucky enough to see one with a real story about real people, they like the medium and see more.  If they see a bad one – that’s it! No more movies!  The same with audiobooks.  There are 1000’s of audiobooks available and if you get one with a bad narrator or bad production values (like you can hear dogs barking or toilets flushing or guys talking about how in the world a total nimrod like Ashton Kutcher ever got popular) than I think you can be reasonably sure that they all suck.

Yep. So I’d stay away from them and miss out on the beautiful narrations of Barbara Rosenblat, Simon Vance, Simon Prebble, Robert Fass, Tavia Gilbert and so very many others. 

….schmuck.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

I don’t know where to turn.  I’ve tried 12-step programs and Texas 2-step dancing programs and but nothing works. I can’t find a job I can hold or like.  I lost my last job as a door-to-door kidney dialysis machine salesman because I found the sample case too heavy to carry around.  I’ve tried all kinds of jobs to make ends meet.  I went into the ministry but got kicked out of the pulpit when I misunderstood the point of “laying on of hands”.  I got elected to congress for a while but then someone found the 1500 pictures of my junk I put on my FaceBook and Twitter accounts and I got booted. Jeez. I didn’t send the pictures to kids.  I posted them for everyone to see. I have some really fine junk.  Gosh.  So then I went into banking and I had to quit that gig because bankers are really disgusting, you know?  So what I want is – what I would like to know is, how does a guy get a gig as a hit man for the mob?  Or for anyone for that matter?  I mean, do people put ads on craigslist or what?  And do they pay for the gun and silencer and other stuff I might need?  Is there a school that has a good program for that?  Can I audit or take it online?  What do I do?

Looking For Work

Dear Looking For Work,

Hmmm. I have no idea. Have you considered practicing by killing yourself?

Dear Mr. Narrator,

You know that movie Hugo?  I saw it but I dropped my 3D glasses on the floor and they got all full of old popcorn oil and half eaten jujubes so I couldn’t wear them and the whole movie was hard to see.  So, I thought the movie sucked.

Oh wait!  And War Horse? I thought the big deal was that the horse was this cool puppet.  That horse in the movie looked really real.  Was that a puppet?

Movie Fan

Dear Movie Fan,

Did you see Planet of the Apes?  The remake?  Let me tell you – true story.

Dear Mr. Narrator,

So I took this new medicine for my depression.  It was one of those pills you see on TV where they tell you about the possible side affects but you don’t really think you’ll ever get any them – you know?  Well anyway this pill said that it would help me with depression but that I might get the following:  shortness of breath, halitosis, hair loss, running oozing sores, irritability, hearing loss, night tremors, night sweats, heart palpitations, projectile vomit, flatulence, nausea and dandruff.  Well guess what? I got all of em!  Right now!  But I feel great!  And the big thing – the ad says you might not want to take this pill if you’re pregnant or could get pregnant.  As a man, I don’t think I can get pregnant but what if that’s a side-effect too?  Also what if I got someone else pregnant?  What then?  Can I still take the pill? What do I do?

Disgusting but Happy

Dear Disgusting,

Running sores? Flatulence? Projectile vomit? And you’re  worried  about getting someone pregnant? I’ll lay you even money you can’t get anyone to stand next to you  – let alone sleep  with you.  Worry about finding a house cleaner. … Give Michelle Bachman a call – she’s got some free time now.

That’s all the time we have this week!  Happy New Year and keep visiting Abbreviated Audio for the next exciting installment of For the Hell of It!