FOR THE HELL OF IT   VOL. 3 NO. 2      

Open Letters to Public People

To Newt Gingrich:

Dear Newt,

I hope its okay to call you Newt.  I know how prickly you can get but I’ve never known a person named Newt and I’d like to use it.

You recently chastised John King of CNN and the national news media in general for beginning the South Carolina Republican debate by asking you about your relationship with your ex-wife and her claims that you wanted an “open marriage”.

In fact you said you were appalled that he would begin a Presidential debate with “a topic like that?”

Why?  Shouldn’t American voters enjoy a fuller understanding of a candidate’s sense of ethics and morals?  Don’t we get to ask about your extramarital affairs?  You thought it was fine to impeach Clinton for his infidelities – why can’t we discuss yours?

Speaking of ethics and morals, in all of American history there has been only one Speaker of the House disciplined for a violation of ethics.  I bet you know who don’t you?  See him every day in the mirror right?  And think about it….you violated the ethics of a body of people so ethically challenged, so morally corrupt and so tainted by cupidity and hubris that few in the nation can think of a single member of the group without revulsion.

Have you noticed how very few of your fellow Republicans have hopped on your bandwagon?  Sure Rick Perry endorsed you but that’s like getting the nod from Alfred E. Neuman or Urkel. Most Republicans who have offered any opinion of you have uniformly said that you are “dangerous” and “untrustworthy”.  I grant that America had very little idea who Obama was and we still elected him but we know who you are and I don’t think we’re going to elect you.  How can we?  You look like Andy Richter’s weird older brother!  No question you are in the “Anybody but Romney” contest that is currently being waged by the GOP.  In the end, however, you’re likely to lose the “Anybody but Romney” contest to, interestingly enough, Romney.

Sure you won South Carolina and now you’re a serious contender but realize this: South Carolina has a population of almost 5 million people and only 243,000 voted for you. 100,000 voted for Santorum and he’s just plain scary.

Oh. One other thing:  In 2011 you were interviewed by the Christian Broadcasting Network and you were asked about your infidelities (I guess it wasn’t as appalling as when John King asked you the same question). You told the interviewer that “…partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”  Really?  That’s what you want to go with?  Let’s examine that.

(Let me say that I don’t judge you for having flings.  I don’t care about that – I only care about your absurd explanations when it’s easier to just say you cheated in the past and who knows what the future will bring.  You’ve already proven that you aren’t bound by any moral or ethical ethos so how does anyone know what you’ll do next and who you’ll do it to? )

You had extramarital affairs because you are passionate about this country? How does that work exactly?  You’re on a political visit and you’re passing through Ohio.  You sit at the local Ramada Inn bar and an attractive saleslady from Akron is there and you turn to her and say: “God! I love Cleveland!  I really feel passionate about this entire state! And the country? Don’t get me started!  Ooops! Too late! I went and got passionate about America – better come up to my room and let me show you my committee member! C’mon!”

…and that works for you?  Who are these women and why aren’t you writing books about how to pick up babes based on patriotism alone?  You still wouldn’t get elected but the books would be better than the ones you write now where the Confederates win the Civil War.

And the bit about working too hard and having that lead to “inappropriate” behavior?  Almost all working Americans work too hard and still manage to behave appropriately.  You almost never hear a working husband or wife coming home late from a long day at the office and announcing:  “Man I’m beat.  I’m gonna go next door and screw the neighbor.”

That’s okay though.  At least we understand you.  If you become the President, you will keep your passion for the country in check and you won’t work too hard.  Sure it’s the Presidency and you really should be passionate about America and for 4-8 years you need to work harder than ever before but we’ll expect less from you – after all, we know what hard work and patriotism does to your libido.

Sincerely,

Everyone

To Simon Vance:

My Dear Mr. Vance,

Alright enough!  We now know that you are not really human but a robotic audio machine that is stuck in the “on” position.  And we know that the “excellence in narration” lever is stuck in the full on position as well.

It is also possible that you are an alien life form sent to earth to incite envy amongst the ever growing population of audio book narrators.  I suspect that your presence on our planet is part of a larger plan to weed out those narrators whose work is so suspect and hourly rates so low as to send the entire industry into despair.

Well, it’s working.  At the For the Hell of It offices, we get hundreds of calls from narrators whose chief complaint works out to be that they are not you.

What can one say about so prolific a narrator and so gifted an actor that has not already been said by his 13,000 Earphone Awards, his 55 PW Listen Up Awards and his growing collection of Audies – some of which he uses as wheel blocks for the boat in the driveway.

While we appreciate that California has staved off bankruptcy due to the taxes you pay on all the loot you make, we fellow narrators have a small request: throttle down dude – you make us look bad.

Hush up a bit and let some of us get a gig.  Do you never sleep?  How do you have time to do face book and twitter and a video blog and your website and YouTube and still knock out three 11 hour books before breakfast?

Love,

Everybody You’ve Ever Met at APAC

To Various “Real” Housewives of Assorted Places and Reality “Stars”:

Dear Ladies (and a few gentlemen),

Stop it. Just chuck it in and admit you are harming the very social fabric of our nation.  You send a message that plastic body parts, asinine behavior traits and poor manners are the tools one needs to succeed.  You have been made into “stars” by vacuous morons who are polluting the airwaves with videos of your horrendous lives.  Just go back home and build a still or something.

You are celebrities only in the same sense that people who shoot bottle rockets out their ass on You Tube are famous.  You are celebs because the media has decreed it not because of any particular skill or talent you may possess.

Being rich because you are weird or nasty or attractive or unattractive or can pick a dime up off of an ice block using only your butt cheeks does not mean much in the actual real world.  You can’t put “I’m a famous skank” on your resume and expect to get hired nor have you used your undeserved celebrity status for anything but furthering your undeserved career and wealth.

I know it’s been a great ride for you but it’s been terrible for America.  Maybe you’re not to blame.  Why should you say “no” to fame and fortune when it requires you to be nothing more than the horrible people you already are?  Perhaps the blame is better placed on the major networks who failed to entertain us, allowing the cable networks to come in with alleged “reality” shows where people we wouldn’t want to stand next to in a Wal-Mart checkout line suddenly become the stars.

“Hey! What do you do for a living?”

“Me? I take boils off of people’s butts – it’s a family business.”

“Great! Let’s do a show – Boil Suckers of Atlanta!”

“What do I gotta do?”

“Do you drink?”

“Yeah.”

“Like drugs?”

“Yeah”

“Beat the wife and kids?”

“Sure.”

“Then just keep doing it – we’ve got a hit!”

Of course when the major networks started losing viewers to these cheaply produced tawdry reality shows, they had a choice – bring the viewers back with quality scripts and exciting character driven narratives or copy the cable crap….hmmmm.  And now we have reality shows on major networks and talent competition shows that are derivative of each other and entirely ripped off from the BBC to begin with.

And to step into the void left by the major networks abandoning scripted storylines comes…cable!  We’ve come full circle and the only losers are us. Ain’t it a wonderful world?

So, again, please stop appearing on our television sets.  Your choice of jewelry or men/women or where to send your dog for grooming is not of interest.  When you go out, we don’t care if you hook up or just hook.  Granted, some people love your shows but it’s not fair to expose them to your sordid arranged escapades and allow them to believe that it’s anyone’s reality.  It’s too easy to lead too many astray.  Why pander to them when you can lift them up?  Why show them drunken louts in Jersey when they can watch real morons on CSpan?  Why allow the media to feature you and your garish outfits when it would be so much better to deprive the would -be -journalists of your bizarre behavior choices and force them to cover actual important news?

I’m not asking you to change who you are.  I’m asking you to stop sharing who you are with the world

Sincerely,

Everyone with a TV Set

To Woody Allen:

Dear Mr. Allen,

I began watching your films around the time you started making them.  I, like many of your fans, didn’t particularly care for your more “serious” efforts – I thought, for instance, that I might need to shoot myself half way through Interiors.  I did end up stabbing myself during Hannah and I still don’t understand your fascination with Scarlett Johansen.

That being said, I cannot ever thank you enough for Midnight In Paris.  It’s simply glorious and wonderful and it does everything one can want in a film.

That’s it.  Thank you for being brilliant and thank you for this film.

Yours Truly,

The Movie Going Public

PS: did you do “The Artist” too? Because that was wonderful as well.

To People Who Sing the National Anthem At Televised Sporting Events:

Dear Warblers

Here’s the thing, if you make your living as a singer, it would be helpful if you could sing.  Try it for a while at home and see if you can find a note that you can hit consistently and try to use that note a lot.

There was only one Marvin Gaye and it’s just silly to try to sing the National Anthem the way he sang it.  So just sing it.  We know it’s a hard song to sing and for many of us, it’s not a really great song but for better or worse, it is our anthem and it needs to sung well when it is sung.

And here’s another tip – try to memorize the words.  See if you can follow the through line and connect to what the author is trying to say.  I know that you are likely nervous and as long as you really try, people will be forgiving.  If you try to be hip and do it your way and really screw it up – people won’t forgive…or forget.  Remember Rosanne Barr? That’s my point.

I’m not a particularly good singer.  I can hold a tune in much the same way I can carry a grand piano up a hill – with a lot of dropping, swearing and hesitancy.  So guess what? If asked to sing the Anthem at a big event, I will decline.  Because I know I can’t do it. (Of course if they give me a lot of money, I would do it because given a choice between professional pride, personal dignity and lots of loot – I am going for the loot.)

I don’t know that Steven Tyler or R. Kelly or Christina Aguilera needs the money.  They’re big time stars with large bank accounts and huge egos.  I, on the other hand, am not a star, have no bank accounts of note and a huge ego.  See the difference?  It’s okay if I take the money and screw up the song.  I’m not a singer.  Seriously, in some of my narrations I have to sing a little and I hate it.  But the producer wants me to sing and I want the check he will be giving me – likely weeks later than promised – so I sing.

Okay? So if you get a gig to sing the anthem:

1. Learn the words

2. Don’t try to do it “your way” unless your way doesn’t really suck.

3. Have a little respect – for yourself, your audience and the song – even though it’s really not a very good song.

If you can’t do these things, say no to the gig and let someone who really understands the song, the American sense of pride it invokes and the American spirit.  Someone like Irish tenor Ronan Tina.

Sincerely,

People without earplugs

Before I sign off, one personal note – PETER BERKROT! – there.  (I promised him a shout out.)

That’s all for now!  More Next time at Abbreviated Audio – home of For the Hell of It!